My Dreams

Dreams. We all have them. Whether its a dream you have at night or a dream for your life.
I've finally decided what I want out of life and what I would like to do with it.
Next year, probably in the fall I'm looking into going to College after I tie up some loose ends..
I'm going to get a degree in Journalism/Photography, I really want to work for National Geographic as a Photographer and since I love writing I could even do some Photojournalism. I'm really excited, this what I want to do. I'll only have to be in college for a year or so maybe 2 because what I want to do doesn't take very long, that I have looked into so far. I'm just deciding which College would be best for it. I'm really looking forward to it. I'll be doing what I love and getting paid a lot of money for it. For me its not even really about the money, I just want to do what I love most.

Josh is super supportive about it and is helping me get there. I really feel its what I'm suppose to do.
I have so many dreams, I'm passionate about a lot but there are a few that really stand out.
I feel really confidant about this. Life is too short to be doing what you don't like.

I feel good about life, before I had no idea. I tend to feel lost sometimes, especially when so much goes wrong.. but nearly everything that has gone wrong, it somehow turned into a good thing, on most things.
I just need to trust God and know He knows whats best for my life.
Trust. I'm finally trusting.

-Amanda

.Fake.

I honestly can't believe how fake some people can be.
My fiance has this friend, they've been best friends for like all their lives.
They were best friends and business partners.. he has really done damage, not to mention he's gay. (which is something that Josh and I really don't agree with, but they've been friends since like grade school)
He is going to this Church that is so far off from the truth its sickening.
Pretty much as of yesterday they are no longer business partners, mainly because this "friend" just isn't reliable.. Josh has a really hard time getting a hold of him to do projects and what not.

Then a few weeks ago he sent Josh an email and he started telling Josh how immature I am and pretty much said I don't act how he would like me too.... Apparently I'm immature because when his new car, which is a Hyundai got recalled, I kinda chuckled and said "Of course, its not an American made car"  .. so he took that as I didn't care about his safety, IT HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH THAT!

He is SO back and fourth, he wants to do that, he wants to do this and he never does it. Josh has really had to stand up for me with this "friend".. then he started saying how Josh talks about buying a new car and house and never does it.... We have acted on it, we're actually buying a car in like 2 months, we have a deal going on that is looking promising and then with the house, I'm young, I'm 20 and I don't have enough credit so we're waiting until we're married to buy a house cause around that time we'll get approved for way more.
This "Friend" has never acted on anything, he even talked about opening up a club one time and never did anything about it.. but lately he has just really jerked Josh around and Josh is just tired of it.

Just some things that he's said about me.. it was really hurtful. When I read all the emails I felt so angry!
I even took him off my facebook like a month or so ago because I realized he wasn't a real friend to me much less to Josh. Josh has always been there for him, even when he didn't agree.. he got mad when we wouldn't go to his "church".. we didn't go because Josh stands by what he believes in and this "church" is just wacko!
That is why we never went and because we didn't go we're apparently not "supporting" him.


The whole thing is stupid, too stupid to even write about but I just had to get it out! It's driving me nuts! I really tried looking past the religion, homosexuality and everything to try to be his friend.. but with him.. you just can't. He lives it. Believes it. Everyone is wrong.
And because I don't agree with him I'm being "disrespectful".... I can't even count how many times he's disrespected me about what I believe in. On facebook, he would post something and if I posted something not really negative but if I didn't agree with it or if I didn't say what he wanted to hear (I was always honest) he would deleted it! He did that with Josh too, so it was like our voice and opinion didn't matter.

I feel horrible for Josh but I guess friends come and go. Real ones will stay.
So that's it.
I'm done ranting.

-Amanda

Better Days

Things are getting better. 

I finally broke one night and told Josh..  I felt so much better. I scared him, he was worried about me.. I actually talked about killing myself.. He hugged me.. told me how much he loved me.

Honestly.. I have the most amazing man in my life.. he's just there.. I felt like he wasn't.. but I was the one that wasn't there. 

I feel like I'm moving past some things.. I really want to get along with Josh's dad, him and I clash a lot, some people thinks its Josh but its not.. His dad and I are just really different, but hopefully we'll move past that.

I still feel iffy about some things in my life, but I'm praying about those things. 

I still feel some weight on my chest and I'm just learning to talk.. talk about it. 

Josh has always been there for me, He's different from a lot of guys.. I talk about things with him that wives don't talk to their husbands about.. I'm VERY blessed with Josh. God definitely knew what He was doing when He put us together! 

I still have plenty of things to work through but I'm working through it with God & Josh. 

I feel different. Its hard to explain, I just feel like a totally different person. 

I have more of a different outlook on life, you know; positive. 

A lot has happened over this last few weeks. 

My mom had a heart attack and had a pacemaker put in 4 days after.. the whole top of her heart is 100% dead she was only getting 20 beats per minuet, as to where you and I get around 80-100 beats a minuet. 

She's feeling better.. she feels a big difference. However, she's a coumadin patient (Blood thinner) and they really jacked up her levels and now she's at a high risk for a serious stroke but hopefully they'll get it under control. 

After she went home, where they did the stitches from the surgery, like started bleeding and it bled for an hour so she spent like 5 hours at the hospital.. but I think she's okay now. 

I was really scared when I was told she had a heart attack.. my mom has always had heart problems, she had open heart surgery when she was 2 years old. But we're just starting to get our relationship right then that happened.. I was so scared but I stayed strong. I love my mom a lot.

I know everything that happens in life is for a reason, but sometimes that's hard to accept.. A LOT of bad things have happened in my life but I know its for a reason and I'm probably a better person for it but some of things were just so wrong.. sometimes its hard to understand what you're suppose to get from a bad situation... how you're suppose to learn from it... I'm still searching for the answer. 

God has a plan, a better plan than my own.. I honestly don't really make plans anymore.. because I know God will most likely change and I'm okay with that.. most of the time. Like I said, I'm still learning. :)

Well, like most blogs this one has to end.

I will write again. 

-Amanda  

-Depression-

Lately, I've been so depressed.
I honestly don't know why, a lot of good stuff has happened at home, with my job and everything.
I'm beginning to wonder if its from my family... actually a family member. I'm suppose to be happy, a lot of bad thoughts have entered my mind.. thoughts I'd have in the past... it's scaring me.
I know I wouldn't do anything... I least I hope so. I have too many people that love me.
I would never be that thoughtless. Lets take a look over the last few months.

In December a friend of mine, she died. She was 19, had gotten married been married for 6 months she would had graduated College in May of this year actually.. she would had been 20 in January I believe.
In December, she died, she had a seizure and died. She was 19... We were the same age, 19.
I wasn't like SUPER close with her, but we talked.. we went to the same Church and youth group when I lived in Redding, Ca. She was wonderful to be around, always happy and just wonderful. I miss her.. when I found out she died, I just cried.. for weeks. She made such a difference in peoples lives it was unreal. I miss her, I always will. I had just talked with the day before.. she was fine. I would had never guessed that would had happened.

In May, my friend committed Suicide.. That was a shock. I had worked with her for nearly a year, I loved being around her we always had great talks about God, life, friends and family... We shared our life stories.. she said I was inspiring.. she went to Massage Therapy School, she said that I should go, since I was planning on it. I got accepted into Denver School of Massage Therapy.. I never went. Everyday she'd tell me "Mandie, you REALLY need to go, don't think about it, just do it".
She quit working at where we worked because she was making so much more money doing Massage Therapy.. On her last day we chatted, we were going to have lunch. In May we were talking and said we'd do lunch maybe that weekend. She seemed sad and depressed..  I was going to ask but never got the chance. That night she said she was going to buy a crotch rocket, its kinda like a motorcycle but a little cooler :)

The next day.. she was gone. I went to her facebook page to message her about lunch.. I saw all the comments; "We miss you Robin", "So sorry you were taken from us so short in life".... the tears started flowing.. I had no idea I was crying... then someone told me... "She killed herself"... I sat in my chair, I sat back.. in shock.. still crying quietly.. I could feel my heart ripping inside my chest.

"She's gone. Robin, my friend is gone" - that was my thought.. I ran upstairs almost screaming I busted into my Fiance's bedroom he was still sleeping, I sat in his office chair, he heard me crying, he woke up and said "What's wrong honey?" -- I couldn't get the words out I was crying.. "Robin.. she.. she.. Robin, Kil.. killed herself!" I was crying so hard.. he looked shocked, he had heard me talking about Robin before. He held me.. I thought it was just a bad dream.. a nightmare.. I was hoping I'd wake up any moment now.. but it was real.. my friend had killed herself.. I didn't believe she killed herself, I asked a family member then she had.. a close friend of hers found her the morning after it happened.... it was real.

I later wanted to know how it happened, Josh felt it was better if I didn't know.. but I found out... she hung herself... Josh was right.. it would had been better if I hadn't known. It's been almost 3 months since she's been gone.. I'm still heartbroken I still cry. Sometimes I think I see her at work, I have dreams about her all the time. One of her relatives said she had a dream of Robin saying she didn't mean to..
I know she didn't mean too..
It hurts.. knowing I'll never see her again in person.. I know she's in Heaven as with Laura.. but its so hard.
 I miss her. A lot. More than anyone will ever know. <3

In June of last year my grandma also died.

I wonder if that's why I'm depressed.. too much death has gone on... I miss all these people.. I loved all these people.. all 3 of them were AMAZING Women in my life.

You know, I started this blogging thing because I can't get the words out as to whats wrong with me.
I know I can tell Josh anything but the words aren't there. I know I can tell my best friend Krys anything.. but the words aren't there... I just feel numb. I feel so out of touch with everything in my life. Even as I write this.. I'm so depressed.. I feel like ending it. But I can't. I can't end it nor can I let anyone know that's how I feel.

Hopefully this painful chapter in my life will end soon, there are so many happy things I need to focus on but I can't. Not now.  There has been too much loss in my life and I just feel like I'm my grieving point.
How long it'll last, no idea. I hope not long. I miss the old me. Josh misses the old me. Joyful, Spunky and just Happy. I try so hard.. everyday to be happy.. but at the end of the day.. I'm depressed.

Oh how I want this chapter to end. 

-Amanda

The Joys Of Life.

Life has been so interesting lately.

A few weeks ago I spent 15 lovely hours in the hospital with my Fiance, Josh.

We found out that he has a Umbilical Hernia, which he'll have surgery for in a few weeks. 

He's been in a lot of pain and can't do much, it really hurts him to walk and work out.. its been a challenge for me because I work a lot then I come home, make dinner and help clean up and do laundry, I tend to complain sometimes because I'm tired from work, but Josh is in serious need.. he isn't suppose to do anything because the littlest jolt and the Hernia could tear worse then what its been.

A few days ago, my mom had a heart attack, she had surgery today for a pacemaker, she's been getting like 20 beats per minuet with out it... which is scary. I just recently started to build a relationship with my mom because she left my step-dad when I was 15 years old.. I am now 20 and haven't even seen her since I was 15. I used to live in Redding, Ca and I moved to Denver, Co when I turned 18.. then I gave my mom another chance to be a mom. Which was hard, but I missed her so much and things have been going great, when I found out she had a heart attack, I was so, so scared.. I thought I would lose her. 

My mom did a lot of drinking and drugs after she left, that's why I never saw her much.. but now.. I forgive her, forgiveness is an amazing thing.. sure you don't forget but somehow forgiving the person that has hurt you endlessly kinda helps.. you don't think about the hurt so much, I think about how much our relationship has been restored. I love her a lot.

So that's what my past few weeks has looked like. It's been very stressful and just endlessly draining, mentally and emotionally. I'm trying so hard to keep it together, I can't stress Josh out, it puts him into pain. Its just hard. I can't even put on the happy face anymore.. I don't know why.. my family really wears on me at times. Not really Josh just other family.

It'll get better. :)

-Amanda