Better Days

Things are getting better. 

I finally broke one night and told Josh..  I felt so much better. I scared him, he was worried about me.. I actually talked about killing myself.. He hugged me.. told me how much he loved me.

Honestly.. I have the most amazing man in my life.. he's just there.. I felt like he wasn't.. but I was the one that wasn't there. 

I feel like I'm moving past some things.. I really want to get along with Josh's dad, him and I clash a lot, some people thinks its Josh but its not.. His dad and I are just really different, but hopefully we'll move past that.

I still feel iffy about some things in my life, but I'm praying about those things. 

I still feel some weight on my chest and I'm just learning to talk.. talk about it. 

Josh has always been there for me, He's different from a lot of guys.. I talk about things with him that wives don't talk to their husbands about.. I'm VERY blessed with Josh. God definitely knew what He was doing when He put us together! 

I still have plenty of things to work through but I'm working through it with God & Josh. 

I feel different. Its hard to explain, I just feel like a totally different person. 

I have more of a different outlook on life, you know; positive. 

A lot has happened over this last few weeks. 

My mom had a heart attack and had a pacemaker put in 4 days after.. the whole top of her heart is 100% dead she was only getting 20 beats per minuet, as to where you and I get around 80-100 beats a minuet. 

She's feeling better.. she feels a big difference. However, she's a coumadin patient (Blood thinner) and they really jacked up her levels and now she's at a high risk for a serious stroke but hopefully they'll get it under control. 

After she went home, where they did the stitches from the surgery, like started bleeding and it bled for an hour so she spent like 5 hours at the hospital.. but I think she's okay now. 

I was really scared when I was told she had a heart attack.. my mom has always had heart problems, she had open heart surgery when she was 2 years old. But we're just starting to get our relationship right then that happened.. I was so scared but I stayed strong. I love my mom a lot.

I know everything that happens in life is for a reason, but sometimes that's hard to accept.. A LOT of bad things have happened in my life but I know its for a reason and I'm probably a better person for it but some of things were just so wrong.. sometimes its hard to understand what you're suppose to get from a bad situation... how you're suppose to learn from it... I'm still searching for the answer. 

God has a plan, a better plan than my own.. I honestly don't really make plans anymore.. because I know God will most likely change and I'm okay with that.. most of the time. Like I said, I'm still learning. :)

Well, like most blogs this one has to end.

I will write again. 

-Amanda