-Depression-

Lately, I've been so depressed.
I honestly don't know why, a lot of good stuff has happened at home, with my job and everything.
I'm beginning to wonder if its from my family... actually a family member. I'm suppose to be happy, a lot of bad thoughts have entered my mind.. thoughts I'd have in the past... it's scaring me.
I know I wouldn't do anything... I least I hope so. I have too many people that love me.
I would never be that thoughtless. Lets take a look over the last few months.

In December a friend of mine, she died. She was 19, had gotten married been married for 6 months she would had graduated College in May of this year actually.. she would had been 20 in January I believe.
In December, she died, she had a seizure and died. She was 19... We were the same age, 19.
I wasn't like SUPER close with her, but we talked.. we went to the same Church and youth group when I lived in Redding, Ca. She was wonderful to be around, always happy and just wonderful. I miss her.. when I found out she died, I just cried.. for weeks. She made such a difference in peoples lives it was unreal. I miss her, I always will. I had just talked with the day before.. she was fine. I would had never guessed that would had happened.

In May, my friend committed Suicide.. That was a shock. I had worked with her for nearly a year, I loved being around her we always had great talks about God, life, friends and family... We shared our life stories.. she said I was inspiring.. she went to Massage Therapy School, she said that I should go, since I was planning on it. I got accepted into Denver School of Massage Therapy.. I never went. Everyday she'd tell me "Mandie, you REALLY need to go, don't think about it, just do it".
She quit working at where we worked because she was making so much more money doing Massage Therapy.. On her last day we chatted, we were going to have lunch. In May we were talking and said we'd do lunch maybe that weekend. She seemed sad and depressed..  I was going to ask but never got the chance. That night she said she was going to buy a crotch rocket, its kinda like a motorcycle but a little cooler :)

The next day.. she was gone. I went to her facebook page to message her about lunch.. I saw all the comments; "We miss you Robin", "So sorry you were taken from us so short in life".... the tears started flowing.. I had no idea I was crying... then someone told me... "She killed herself"... I sat in my chair, I sat back.. in shock.. still crying quietly.. I could feel my heart ripping inside my chest.

"She's gone. Robin, my friend is gone" - that was my thought.. I ran upstairs almost screaming I busted into my Fiance's bedroom he was still sleeping, I sat in his office chair, he heard me crying, he woke up and said "What's wrong honey?" -- I couldn't get the words out I was crying.. "Robin.. she.. she.. Robin, Kil.. killed herself!" I was crying so hard.. he looked shocked, he had heard me talking about Robin before. He held me.. I thought it was just a bad dream.. a nightmare.. I was hoping I'd wake up any moment now.. but it was real.. my friend had killed herself.. I didn't believe she killed herself, I asked a family member then she had.. a close friend of hers found her the morning after it happened.... it was real.

I later wanted to know how it happened, Josh felt it was better if I didn't know.. but I found out... she hung herself... Josh was right.. it would had been better if I hadn't known. It's been almost 3 months since she's been gone.. I'm still heartbroken I still cry. Sometimes I think I see her at work, I have dreams about her all the time. One of her relatives said she had a dream of Robin saying she didn't mean to..
I know she didn't mean too..
It hurts.. knowing I'll never see her again in person.. I know she's in Heaven as with Laura.. but its so hard.
 I miss her. A lot. More than anyone will ever know. <3

In June of last year my grandma also died.

I wonder if that's why I'm depressed.. too much death has gone on... I miss all these people.. I loved all these people.. all 3 of them were AMAZING Women in my life.

You know, I started this blogging thing because I can't get the words out as to whats wrong with me.
I know I can tell Josh anything but the words aren't there. I know I can tell my best friend Krys anything.. but the words aren't there... I just feel numb. I feel so out of touch with everything in my life. Even as I write this.. I'm so depressed.. I feel like ending it. But I can't. I can't end it nor can I let anyone know that's how I feel.

Hopefully this painful chapter in my life will end soon, there are so many happy things I need to focus on but I can't. Not now.  There has been too much loss in my life and I just feel like I'm my grieving point.
How long it'll last, no idea. I hope not long. I miss the old me. Josh misses the old me. Joyful, Spunky and just Happy. I try so hard.. everyday to be happy.. but at the end of the day.. I'm depressed.

Oh how I want this chapter to end. 

-Amanda